I’ve always found strength, purpose and happiness in running. As a child, I knew I was good at running, it was fun and fast, but I never realized that I would use running to actually help me cope with the stress of everyday life like I have to this day. I’ve used running to help deal with stress, mental health issues and career fulfillment. It hasn’t always been a smooth journey, but I’ve been finding my way through it all.
I remember watching TV during the Boston Marathon bombings in 2013. I was no where near the place either physically nor mentally where I could complete a marathon at that point in time (I think I was competing in 10K then) but I remember feeling such empathy for those runners. Bombs are for cowards, marathons are for the brave - I wrote that day. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that moment solidified my intent to run that same Boston Marathon. And I did four years later in 2017.
This year I am going to be running the Toronto Marathon once again, on May 6, 2018. The course starts at Mel Lastman Square and runs south on Yonge to Ontario Place on the Lakeshore. A course I ran in 2016 and earned a Boston Qualifying (BQ) time actually. I know this course well, it has a special place in my heart because it was both my very first marathon and where I earned my BQ.
So this week when I was watching TV footage of the violent van attack near the start of the Toronto Marathon course (Yonge St between Finch and Sheppard), I was reminded of all the emotions I had back in 2013. I know this may sound selfish, but I was so pissed off that someone may have ruined another keystone marathon. I know people were injured and dying, and I didn’t know any of them, but I was angry that someone might have taken something else from the city and all the runners who take something more from this event that other people don’t realize.
That was my initial reaction. It may sound crude, but everybody reacts to tragedy in their own way, and how it impacts their own lives. Obviously human life is more important than a road race, but I wanted to share how it impacted me on that day.
Now my mind is continually thinking about what Mel Lastman Square will look like on marathon morning. How will I feel running past the memorial site? Will I still see blood spatter on the sidewalk? Will I trip on flowers and bouquets? Will they re-route the race? Will police presence feel intimidating or soothing? Will there be signs held by pedestrians that make me want to cry? I had all these thoughts at Boston and now I will have them at home in Toronto now too, and it sucks.
I never wrote about this before, but in the last 8K of the Boston marathon I felt hyperaware, scanning the crowds for signs of danger as I neared Boylston St. What if it happened again? My body was exhausted but my mind raced these thoughts. I had to stop looking for faces in the crowd because it was freaking me out, so I kept looking at the road instead. I missed out on seeing the faces of people I knew where there to cheer me on. It changes your behaviour, thoughts and sense of joy in the moment. And that’s not fair.
Part of the reason I never wrote about this before now was because I used to think I didn't have the right to feel this way. I wasn't there for the bombs, or the most recent van attack. I wasn't injured or directly involved, so what right did I have to I claim to feel affected in this way? But it has affected me. Its like a dirty second hand smoke wafting through the air over me, making me wheeze and cough. I'm not sure where to go with these feelings.
Part of the reason I never wrote about this before now was because I used to think I didn't have the right to feel this way. I wasn't there for the bombs, or the most recent van attack. I wasn't injured or directly involved, so what right did I have to I claim to feel affected in this way? But it has affected me. Its like a dirty second hand smoke wafting through the air over me, making me wheeze and cough. I'm not sure where to go with these feelings.
Terrorism sucks. And I know that the root of both of these attacks are very different, (Boston was misguided political and religious beliefs, while Toronto was misogyny based), but its still very difficult to reconcile why someone would want to cause so much harm to others.
They seemed so angry at the world but they chose to act on their anger in a very violent way. I’m often angry. But I’ve chosen deal with my anger, frustration and other negative emotions in much more healthy ways, such as endurance running.
I love running to very angry aggressive music - Metallica, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Eminem. The driving throbbing beat sets wonderful running cadence and provides mental strength. Even while writing this blog I chose to listen to Pantera’s “Vulgar Display of Power” and “Strength Beyond Strength” albums to try to bridge the mindset between myself and an angry testosterone driven male mind.
While I find most people frustrating and annoying, I can’t find it in me to hate others to that same extent. Maybe there’s something inside me that will simply never connect to the mindset of a mass murderer. I suppose that’s a good thing. I like to think I'm a good person.
It has been a tough week so far. I ran this morning in pouring rain, to work where 3 clients cancelled appointments, and then I learned my first trail race of the year (Five peaks, Terra Cotta, April 28) was cancelled because of the damage the freezing rain storm had caused to the trail. I was really looking forward to that trail run, out in nature away from the chaos of the city. Its good for the spirit. I feel like I can handle bad weather, I’ve been doing that my whole life on the Canadian east coast, but the beating down of the human spirit is the harder element to cope with. Let’s hope things gets better from here or I might need more than a run to cheer me up.
All I know is that running from Mel Lastman Square is going to feel very different this year.
